Depression is a close-to-home subject for me. I've suffered from depression since I was 15. That was 14 years ago. I went undiagnosed until I was around 23, after I had my first child and my partner told me that I really needed to get help for it.
My undiagnosed years were awful. I went from being a straight A+ student to being a B student. This doesn't seem like a big deal, it's not a huge drop in grades. BUT.... I was a genius. I was very very VERY smart, and I lost all motivation to do the work that came easily to me or to figure out how to do the work that I didn't understand. I self-harmed. I would have smoked if I'd had easy access to them. I took up drinking at 18 and spent the next 12 months drinking myself into a stupor every now and then.
In my teenage and early adult years, I jumped from boyfriend to boyfriend, and hung around with any girls or guys that made me feel better about myself. I had some friends of "questionable calibre".
I was put onto medication when I was 23. The first day I took the medication was a work day. I was living in Rowville and working in Melbourne. I took the meds in the morning, and jumped on a train to the city. About 3 minutes into the journey, I felt really dizzy and nauseous. I made it as far as Ringwood station before I jumped off the train. I found the nearest loo, which happened to be at the shopping centre. I vomited foam. It scared the hell out of me... who vomits FOAM???? Fortunately I made it home again.
The next medication they put me on made me feel sick, but nothing like the first meds. It worked for a long time. Then I went off it.
THAT IS THE TYPICAL DEPRESSION CYCLE - you take your medication... it works wonders. Then you're sure that you're fine and you don't need it, forgetting all about the fact that it's actually the medication working! So you go off the meds. Within 12 months you've crashed again, and you go back on it.
Some people go on this medication merry-go-round for many many years. Some people do just fine without the medication. Others need it for life. And others need it but can't see that they do, so they make their lives and everyone around them miserable.
When I had my second child in 2010, I nearly died in childbirth. I had to have an emergency c-section, and nearly bled to death. When I left hospital after 3 weeks, I'd been through hell (I'll do a separate post about all that). I went to see a psychologist, because I was really not myself. I knew I wasn't, and I sought help.
Over the years, I've dealt with depression on and off. I can't honestly say that I'm "cured".
I'm going through a very nostalgic phase at the moment. Since the photo of high school resurfaced, I've done a lot of thinking.
I'm very grateful for a few people that were in my life. A schoolfriend's father, who was also a teacher at the school - I'm not sure what I would have done without him. I remember walking 4 hours to get to his place from mine, because I was wanting to kill myself but at the same time knowing that wasn't really what I wanted. I was hurting really badly. I was a wreck. He took me in, put me up on the couch for the night, and drove me to school the next day. Mr was there for me, and I don't know what I would have done without him. I don't think I'd be sitting here today if it wasn't for him. It's a debt I'll never be able to repay.
The schoolfriend who went to my mother and told her that I was self-harming and that I really needed her to get me some help. He was genuinely concerned. I never knew that he spoke to my mother, and when I found out I was extremely angry with Mum for never having got me the help I needed. She was "embarassed" and pissed off that I'd "embarassed her". She accused me of being attention seeking, and told me she was glad I'd "grown out of it".
It's this attitude toward depression that causes so many of us to avoid seeking help. There is a stigma toward having depression. The main misconception is that things have to be wrong for you to have depression. WRONG!! You can have every reason in the world to be happy and still feel miserable. Or angry. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, NOT caused by the person "feeling sorry for themselves".
Myth # 2 - depression means you feel upset. WRONG again. Depression has many faces - sometimes it's just extreme anger and hostility. It's not always about being depressed or showing signs of depression. Sometimes it can show as a short fuse. Depression is frustrating!
So... can you ever really recover? I don't think so.
From personal experience over the last 14 years, I know that some days are harder than others. I can go months and months without depression affecting me. Then BAM! It hits me out of the blue for no apparent reason. So if you know someone that has suffered depression, and you see them starting to slip back into it - PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not think "oh well, they'll be right".
Medication works for some. Speaking to a psychologist works for some. Sometimes both. But help is definitely needed.
**Just as a side note, if someone close to you has committed suicide, don't EVER blame yourself. Chances are that the person had hit the point of no return and there was nothing that anyone could have done. If they didn't seek help, or couldn't seek help, that is a tragedy. If you suspected they were suicidal and did nothing - not your fault. As harsh as it is, the only person to blame is .... no one. There IS no one to blame when it comes to suicide. It's a tragedy. Hopefully one that can be made a lot more rare an occurrence as depression is more commonly accepted and helped.
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