I was having coffee recently with an old school friend of mine, the only person from school who I still speak to. We were sitting in the lounge room at her place, and she dug out an old photo of when we were in Year 12.
That was a couple of months ago now. I've had a lot of time to sit and think about that photo. When I first saw the photo, I was amazed at how young everyone looked. And how long ago it was. It's been over 10 years since high school ended. I'm also amazed at how things changed between Year 9 and Year 12. Year 9 we were an extremely close group. By the end of Year 12, there were multiple boyfriend-girlfriend breakups in the group, and a couple of people practically at war with one another.
In the photograph, there are 18 people. One person in that photo was not really part of the close group. One person who was part of the close group isn't in the photo but should be.
Now one of those people has moved to QLD. One of the girls' mum has died. Two have been married and then separated. Seven of us have kids. One of them is still dating the same girl he was dating back then. A few of the people in the photo are engaged. One of them has done great volunteer work in Kenya.
I look at the photo, and I'm flooded with a range of emotions. Mostly because by the end of Year 12, I was ostracised from this group. Not through any fault of theirs, however. Mine.
Because I'm the one with the mental illness.
Back then, I had almost no self-esteem. Three of the boys in that photo I went out with at one point or another. My first "boyfriend" in Year 7 or 8 when "going out" meant you just hung around at school together.
The "one who got away" - the guy I broke up with even though I was crazy about him, because I knew I was going off the rails and losing it, and didin't want to drag him down with me. The "farm boy", who was a true friend to me for many many years, both at school, after school, and in the early adult years - the one who I always cared very deeply about but never really told him how much he meant to me.
Then there's another guy in the photo who catches my eye - the one who tried to save me from myself. The one who tried in vain to speak my mother about my self-destructive behaviour, but was brushed aside. I didn't find out about this until I was 25 and had been diagnosed with depression and told my mother about it. She'd always put it down to me "seeking attention". She told me that he'd gone to her, and that she'd been embarassed and that she was still annoyed at me for "embarrassing her".
I look at the photo, and I'm glad to be away from all that drama. I thought I'd grown up so much since high school. In some ways I have. In some ways I haven't. I look back at the people that I've lost contact with, and it makes me a bit nostalgic and sad. I wish that I could go back to those days, where I had close friends who I could spend time with.
Then I remember - the reason I don't have them in my life any more is because I lost the plot so much. Some of them I would still like to be friends with, I'd like to go back and tell them how much they all meant to me. But I can't.
I have 2 kids who I adore. They drive me mental, especially considering I have one child going through a full assessment for behaviour-social-emotional problems, and the other is a rambunctious toddler who gets into EVERYTHING!! Plus I still have depression - most days are great, I have it under control a lot more than I did back in high school.
So much has changed since high school. Life has moved on. But I still miss parts of it.
So for those in the photo who read my blog - particularly CJ, TJC and K.... you'll never know how much you all meant to me back then. I miss how you were there for me when I needed you, especially TJC.You were a true friend, one that I didn't think I deserved. And to Sammi, who is a true friend who I don't know how I'd survive without. You make every day a bit easier, knowing that you're only a keyboard away. I love catching up with our kids for coffee (for us, not the kids!), the cake, and the wonderful chats about life, important stuff, and absolute crap that we randomly talk about! You're an amazing person who should be told so more often.
So to all in the "Courtyard Group" in high school - enjoy the rest of your lives post-high-school. I am and will. And I'm always up for a chat on Facebook.
xxx
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