A Decision Is Made

    Well we've made a possibly life-changing decision for Madd - at the end of this year, she is going to change schools. Her school is a great little school, but it's just not a great fit for her. The new school has on-site counselling, an aide that floats around the school wherever she's needed, and they seem like a really ASD-friendly school. All the kids seemed happy (other than the one who fell over but was comforted by not only the Assistant Principal but another teacher and quite a few kids). It seems like a nice little school, and a very good fit for Madd.

     I haven't told her school that she's leaving yet. I'll tackle that one tomorrow when I drop her off. But I'm super-excited. I think the final decision was made easy by the fact that Madd seemed so happy and settled while we were there, and she hasn't been stressed out this afternoon either. She stayed home from school today so that we could take her to see her possible-new-school.

     They run a "transition program" in November/December, so we have to make sure she's enrolled by November. She really wants to change schools, she said "I know there could be mean people at the new school, but there's really mean kids at my school now." So she wants to move, and she does understand that she won't be with the same kids. I'm glad Ash is now on board, I really feel it's the right choice for her.

So tomorrow I'll speak to the school about her moving at the end of the year.
I know we've made the right decision.
Haven't told the in-laws yet, but my mum thinks it's a great idea.

Lack-Of-Communication Book

    So much for Madd having a communication book.
I finally found out from Madd today that her teacher told them a few weeks ago that she was going away on holiday for the rest of term. I'm really really angry that I wasn't personally told - either by phone, in person or via her communication book. Nothing was mentioned until after the teacher had already left.

    So off to the school on Thursday to talk to the school about a couple of things.
The first one is the most important - the teacher has to write any upcoming changes in the commbook; like when they're going on holiday, having days off, etc so that I can talk them through with Madd and at least understand why she's highly anxious.

   The second one is that I don't want her having the same teacher next year. She's had the same teacher 2 years in a row, and is very attached to her. I don't want her to get too attached, she needs to adjust to a new teacher each year. I hate to think how attached she'll be after 3 years if she's so attached after 2 years.

Still off to see another school on Thursday, so we'll see what Madd and Ash both think about it.

What to do when the substitute teacher is awesome?

    So I'm really really impressed with how the substitute teacher is handling Madd. I'm starting to regret my haste to condemn her. We sat down and had a meeting with her and the vice principal, and it was the most productive and best meeting we've had since she started school. I feel like I was listened to, I felt like I listened, and we worked together for what was best for Madd.

     I'm not sure how I feel about Madd's regular teacher. She's a lovely lady, very calm and relaxed - which I thought was good for Madd. And Madd seems to respond really well to her.

But the last few weeks, Madd has been melting down almost every day after school, and every weekend. So I don't know where to go from here.

    Madd's behaviour has been so erratic the last few weeks, and I'm not sure what's causing it. Is it just the anxiety of having a different teacher? She says she misses Mrs H, but says the substitute is great too. So.... how do I cope with Madd's behaviour at the moment? She's totally stressed out.

Scripting

     So I've just had a realisation. When Madd gets stressed or angry, she quotes movies. In the autism world, it's referred to as "scripting". Some kids do nothing but script. It's their only form of communication, and it can be quite effective.

     Today she got angry because she couldn't watch a movie (she physically couldn't, something was being recorded and we couldn't do both). She screamed profanities,  kicked a chair, and yelled at me "I can't do ANYTHING right, CAN I"... a quote from Sarah (Jennifer Connelly) in Labyrinth.
She's quoted quite a few other movies, but this is one of her favourites.

Another thing that I should mention to the psych in October.

    

Clear As Mud

   So I know that I can be as clear as mud sometimes. I'm not very good at verbalising what I'm trying to say. But I AM very good at writing it down. So here goes....

    I love my kids. I'm glad I have them. But I don't want any more. Not because my body hates pregnancy. Not because we can't afford it. Not because I don't love the ones I have. But because I need to know that I can have enough time and energy to focus on my kids. I'm happy with the 2 we have, but there won't be any more.

    I don't want to move Madd's school. I want the school to step up and realise that Madd has unique needs, and with a few very-small changes she could do really well. But I am open to the possibility of moving Madd's school if the school doesn't step up.

    I want a second car. Not because we "need" it. I need it. I need to know that, at any time, I have a car here. If one of the kids falls over and we need to get to the hospital, I need to know that there's a car we can jump in to get there. I need to have that freedom.

     I want to work in the field of disability. Not because "it's hard work but I can do it", or because I am good at it. I want to do it because I enjoy helping people. I enjoy working with people with disabilities - in a general sense, they're friendly and honest people who don't judge things that you do or say. And they don't expect you to be perfect, and they expect you to understand that they're not either. They want to be treated like equals, and I want that too.

    I am very bad at verbalising my thoughts. I'm extremely good at typing them. I remember word-for-word what people say, but I don't hear the "subtle" parts. If someone really isn't up for a visitor and they say "Oh, I'm not well and I wouldn't be much company"... that doesn't work for me. Saying "I'm not well so I'd rather we rescheduled?" That works really really well. I like honesty. Honesty I can understand, I'm not great at subtle.

    I've just finished the Fifty Shades books. Loved every word. Because every little thing is explained in detail. Every hesitation of the character, what they're thinking and feeling - all laid out clearly. I like that in a book. Plus the fact it's literotica kinda makes it that bit more entertaining.

So... that's my pensive thoughts for the day.

Changing Schools

     I'm preparing to change Madd's school if we have to.
I love the school she's at, it's a small community and small school. It's a wonderful school if you have a neurotypical child.

However....

There's one child that Madd can't sit with or work with. They can't even be in the same group. They stir each other, and punches end up getting thrown. The regular teacher knows this. But it seems like, although the message is being passed on to her other teachers, they're not heeding the warning. It's not really a warning, it's more like a huge red neon sign that's flashing ***DANGER***. Madd's jumper got cut, and punches got thrown between the two of them.  She also gets very stressed when she's made to work with him. We finally got her to the point where she's able to verbalise to the teacher that she can't work with him, but the teacher still said that she had to. That is a point that will be made at our meeting with the school this afternoon.

   Now I thought Ash was on board with moving her schools if we absolutely had to.
Now this morning we get into a massive argument over that... he threw up the line that "No matter what, I don't think she should move schools."
Hang on there... earlier this week you were saying that you were on board with this if it had to happen. Now you're saying it doesn't?
 So I try for further clarification.

Apparently if the school states that there's nothing more they can do to make her school life easier, and they state that they'll keep treating Madd's "defiance" (it's her way of saying she's stressed about something, and you need to ask her what's wrong to get it out of her) as bad behaviour and punishing her, THEN we can move her schools.

I'm not talking about moving her schools now. I'm not even talking about it being a definite.
I'm just asking that we keep the possibility open if we believe it's in her best interests, and maybe another school will handle her issues in a different way - in the way that works.

But for now, it's a subject that we just cannot agree on. 

Response to Email to the Principal

Apparently I misunderstood what the teacher was saying.
I'm not sure HOW I misunderstood, as I quoted in the email back to the principal word-for-word what the teacher had said.

Now this particular teacher I have GREAT respect for. She's a lovely lady, firm but fair, and is a wonderful teacher.

But....

She doesn't understand Aspergers. Which makes it so much harder for my child.
We have a meeting with her and the assistant principal on Friday after school.

Letter To The Principal

The email I sent last night to the school principal (all identifying details have been removed)

Hi *insert principal's name*,

I met with *insert substitute teacher's name* this afternoon, and was very disappointed in what she had to say.

 I was really hopeful when she wrote in Madd's communication book that she wanted to meet with me after school the next day, and have a chat about Madd. Things did NOT go the way I wanted - I was hoping to fill her in about Madd's issues, triggers and needs, but instead I got told that she'd been defiant all day, and that it was a normal reaction for a kid with a substitute teacher and NOT at all related to her Aspergers.

She then went on to say that she kept Madd in at lunchtime because of her behaviour. I was so stunned with everything she said that I didn't say anything in response, she then had to hurry off to a staff meeting. Now that I've had a chance to process it, I'm writing to  you.

The way I explained Madd's Aspergers and ADHD to Madd is by saying that there's something in her that makes her have trouble with sitting still sometimes, and trouble understanding people and making friends and playing like most kids. I also explained to her that she needs to learn how to sit still and listen and play with others nicely, and that we'd all help her to learn how to.
When Madd tried explaining that to the teacher after being told she was being "defiant" (she was reacting to social problems with a friend at playtime and hadn't told the teacher - she may not have even realised that she should say that she was still stressing about it), the teacher said to her that she was wrong, and that there's nothing going on in her head and that she needs to make better choices.I know my kid needs to learn how to "behave", but her behaviour was a reaction to her being stressed at playtime. Her behaviour was her way of saying "I'm stressed about something and I need you to pry it out of me".

THE TEACHER also said that Madd's behaviour was "not Aspergers behaviour", it was just her behaviour. It's comments like this that are really frustrating to a parent whose child needs extra understanding. I won't excuse bad behaviour if it is indeed that (such as a tantrum demanding ice cream or a playdate or something), but Madd's behaviour was her reaction to stress - and while she needs to learn to handle it, it's a slow process of teaching her other ways to cope. Telling me that it's not related to her Aspergers is a very closed-minded and uneducated comment. Everything Madd does is related to her Aspergers, it's a part of who she is and how she thinks and feels.
It's very easy to dismiss Madd's behaviour as being "bad" or "defiant". Unfortunately, it's not always that cut-and-dry, particularly with Madd. She's shown marked improvement since we implemented some strategies that usually work with Aspie kids. I didn't want to wait the extra 3 months for the formal diagnosis before implementing strategies that may help both her and her teacher/s. I know that until we get the formal diagnosis, there's only much the school can do - but understanding attitudes and trying different ways of handling her can make a huge difference!

However, this is made incredibly difficult when Madd is being punished for things that are beyond her control. She needs patience and understanding, not punishment.

I've attached a document for your perusal, to be handed out to staff if you believe it would be helpful. I believe it would be incredibly helpful. Like I said, it's easy to dismiss Madd's behaviour as bad or defiant, but there really is more to it.

Sorry about the massively long email, but I'm better at explaining myself in email rather than in person. Plus she's in afterschool care for the next 2 days.

Thanks,

Jenna

Substitute Teacher

Madd has a substitute teacher for 4 weeks. Madd informed me of this on Friday when I asked why her communication book hadn't been written in. "You told me to give it to Mrs H, but Mrs H is away on holiday until next term." Gotta love literal kids :/
    So I wrote a note in it for the teacher who's taking over for the next 4 weeks.

 I was really hopeful when she wrote in Madd's communication book that she wanted to meet with me after school the next day, and have a chat about Madd. Things did NOT go the way I wanted - I was hoping to fill her in about Madd's issues, triggers and needs, but instead I got told that she'd been defiant all day, and that it was a normal reaction for a kid with a substitute teacher and NOT related to her Aspergers. She then went on to say that she kept Madd in at lunchtime because of her behaviour. UGH!!!! I was so stunned with everything she said that I didn't say anything. Then she practically kicked me out to get to a staff meeting on time. Not impressed. Ash is going to talk to her on Friday, and if she's not receptive to what he says he's going to talk to the principal straight after. She told me that she "didn't have time" to write in the communication book every day, and that there was no point - if there was any issues, she'd definitely write them in.  The way I explained her Aspergers and ADHD to her is by saying that there's something in her that makes her have trouble with sitting still sometimes, and trouble understanding people and making friends and playing like most kids. When Madd tried explaining that to the teacher after being told she was being "defiant" (she was reacting to social problems with a friend at playtime and didn't tell the teacher), the teacher said to her that it was crap and that she needs to make better choices. EXCUSE ME?? I know my kid needs to learn how to "behave", but her behaviour was a reaction to her being stressed at playtime!!! WHY can't the stupid fricking teacher just understand that Madd is NOT like other kids, even though she often seems like them. Her behaviour was her way of saying "I'm stressed about something and I need you to pry it out of me". Soooo angry right now.

Autism isn't real - it's just parents making excuses for bad parenting

    Yes, this is my blog today. I am, by the way, AGAINST the title. Not for it.
I can't believe that some people honestly believe that Autism, Depression, ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder), ADD, ADHD and a lot of other disorders are being disbelieved. There's a few things being said that I don't agree with:

"Every kid's got some diagnosis these days"

"What have you got to be depressed about?" (depression is a chemical imbalance, NOT a mood)

"She's autistic? But she looks so normal" (so you'd prefer my kid to do the typical autistic hand-flapping and spinning instead of going on and on and on about her latest obsession?)

"Maybe you should pay less attention to *insert sibling's name here* and more attention to her" (this one came straight from my mother)

"The kid just needs a damn good smack"

"Send him to me for a couple of days, I'll sort him out"

"Autism's caused by vaccines you know... did you vaxx your child?" (of course I did - because the autism study linking vaccines to autism were falsified... there IS no link between current vaccines and autism)

"But she has great eye contact" (yes, but she has too MUCH eye contact - she'll stare you down if she knows you well, and she has no concept of personal space)


All these frustrating things are NOT what a parent needs to hear.
Pre-diagnosis, there isn't much you can say, other than to listen and be supportive.
DON'T say "are you sure he has autism? surely he'll just catch up when he's ready"
It's hard enough to admit that something is NQR with your child. Please don't make us re-doubt ourselves.

DO be there for us. Bring cake, have coffee with us. Feel free to talk about things other than autism/ODD/whatever else. Do be unconditionally supportive and understanding that our child/children may not behave as you'd expect them to. Like most parents, we're doing the best we can.

It INFURIATES me that some people are STILL so ignorant to disabilities. If someone's in a wheelchair and nonverbal, most assume their intelligence is affected. I have a friend whom I've known since we were little kids, and he's one of the smartest people I know. Nonverbal and in a wheelchair doesn't mean stupid or illiterate, or any number of other things you might think. He's an amazing guy that I'm proud to know. Bloody good sense of humour too. Non-verbal just means that he communicates in other ways. Facial expressions, and most of our conversations are yes/no or assisted by a book of words for him to point to.

And if someone's child is running amok in the supermarket and stimming, or spinning, or making weird noises, or suddenly runs off? Don't assume bad behaviour. Don't judge. Parents who belt their kids for no good reason and yell and swear at them? Judge THEM, not us who are trying to do the best we can with what we've got.


END RANT.
Thanks for reading

frustration, violence, and substitute teachers

     Gotta LOVE it when the teacher goes away on holiday. She told the kids, but didn't think to tell ME about it. I'm glad the kids were warned, especially with Madd's issues with change; but I really should have been made aware.

     Madd was in good spirits when I picked her up from school, I checked her communication book and found no entry. I asked her about it, and her response was "You told me to give it to Mrs H, but Mrs H is on holidays for a couple of weeks." Whoopsie, my mistake for not making a script for days when Mrs H is away.

      She chatted away to me, but then half way home she told me that a boy (M) at school, cut her jumper today. I pulled the car over straight away, and we sat and had a quick chat about it. It turns out that M and Madd constantly argue and niggle at each other until it escalates out of control, and Mrs H knows this issue and separates them. After showing me the cut jumper, she said matter-of-factly "And I punched him. I got in trouble from the teacher." Ohhhh crap.

     So we turned the car around and headed back to the school. We met with the principal, who was great as always in dealing with me when I have issues that need to be addressed. He's very calm and relaxed, but makes you feel like you've been taken seriously.

     I then found out tonight from the parent of one of Madd's friends that she's been getting violent in the yard at playtime. When she gets frustrated or upset, she lashes out; and on one occasion, she's punched her friend in the back.  I've explained to Madd that it's not okay to hit when you get frustrated - it's better to go tell the teacher that something's bothering you.

     So I've written it all down in her communication book for the substitute teacher to deal with. I've given her a heads-up on some of Madd's triggers and how to handle them. Hopefully next week will be as smooth as it can be, considering her teacher is away.

We Have a Communication Book

    I wasn't sure how well the idea would be embraced. I was in half-minds as to whether we needed a Communication Book or not. For those who don't know, a Communication Book goes from home to school. Ideally, notes are written in it each day. That way the teacher knows how Madd's been at home, and I know about any issues that arise at school.

    Today I wrote my first note in it. Letting the teacher know how Madd had been the night before and that morning, and about how I hoped that this book would help us communicate since Madd is now in afterschool care 3 days a week.

     I got it back today with a note letting me know that she'd had a MUCH better day than yesterday, but that she has an ongoing issue with a particular boy in the class with whom she clashes constantly. They sit and niggle at each other until it escalates. The teacher has recognised the problem and has permanently separated them in class. It's nice to know these things. It also lets me know that I should have a better time tonight with Madd, since she had a calm day at school.

It's just nice to know what happens with her at school, it's opened the lines of communication a bit more.

Another Shit Day

Anddddddddd after a weekend of nothing but meltdowns, Madd was made to stand up at the end of school and apologise to her whole class. She was apparently sitting there and poking anyone who was sitting near her, and annoying them. Apparently she spent most of today annoying the rest of her class. Her excuse? She was bored and was sick of sitting on the mat. She has a provisional dx of ADHD and Aspergers. How do I handle this?? I sent her with sensory toys a couple of months ago, but she had them taken off her for "mucking around with them" (she was swinging one of them around and it was dangerous for others around her). The teacher has said to Madd that it's "bad behaviour, and if she does it tomorrow she'll be sent to the principal's office".
Should they be more understanding, or are they on the right track? It's so hard to distinguish naughty behaviour from needing help and intervention. She knows that annoying the other kids is wrong, but what if she really couldn't help it because she needed to get off that mat and COULDNT rather than WOULDNT sit still?? Advice and opinions needed please! All comments welcome.

I don't know how I should be handling this. I've always assumed that she can control her "bad behaviour", but what if she genuinely can't? Should the school be trying other options, of maybe giving her some time-out in another part of the school? Maybe sending her to the principal's office would give her the time-out she needs??

I'm devastated, because we've now had 5 days of meltdowns (other than while she was with mum for 12 hours). Those 12 hours, she wasn't made to do anything. She could do whatever she wanted, and didn't have to go to bed on time or brush her teeth or get dressed on time.

So what do I do? I really am at a loss as to what to expect from her, and how much of her behaviour is under her control.

My life at the moment - anxiety, depression, bullying, autism, and ... everything else

    I know, not a very catchy blog title.
Anxiety, depression, bullying, autism and everything else.

Anxiety depression and bullying all relate to me. I have major anxiety at the moment, to the point that I had a panic attack on Thursday because I didn't want to face the bullying that I'm copping at placement at the moment.

There's a lady at the place I'm doing my TAFE placement who is giving me a hard time. Not to my face, mind you - behind my back. This is bullying of the WORST kind. She has said things in a staff meeting about me, complete and utter lies. Saying that I was being "unprofessional" (I won't give more detail, it's insulting). So I'm quite upset. She also put me in a position that could have injured a client or myself, because she asked me to do something that she was well aware of me not knowing how to do. Then when she was questioned by another staff member, she rudely replied that she was coming back to help me. It was quite clear to both myself and the other staff member that she wasn't.

So between that and the lies she's spreading about me, I'm feeling very stressed. I know that her opinion and lies don't mean anything, and it shouldn't be getting to me.
But with my history of depression, it's getting to me quite a lot.
But I think the main reason I'm having issues with it more than I should be is because I don't understand why she's doing it. I mean, I don't know her. I've never met her before. I haven't done anything wrong, or been rude to her, or done ANYTHING that could have upset or angered her.

So I'm having panic attacks now. I don't even get PAID for placement, it's all volunteer time for my course. Because the lies about me were told at a staff meeting (I obviously wasn't at that meeting because I'm not paid staff), I shouldn't know about them. A few people in the meeting were concerned about me, I haven't been looking "happy" at work, I've looked pretty miserable some days apparently, even though I've tried to look happy despite everything that's going on. So they told me what had been said in the meeting.

Since then, I haven't been handling things very well. I think it's because things have been said about me to the WHOLE STAFF that I wasn't aware of. The fact that the boss didn't call me into the office to speak to me means that the boss either doesn't believe this woman or doesn't think it's a big deal.

I reported the safety incident to the boss last week. I actually reported the "gossip" incident too, but I'm not sure if it was before or after the staff meeting. Making sure I'm covering my own butt here, because I know I've done nothing wrong.

So I'm off to the doctors this week to see if I can get something to help with the anxiety. I can't handle it any more, and it's starting to really affect me.

Madd has a curriculum day off school tomorrow. She had a late night on Friday night. She was MEANT to have a sleepover with a girl at our place on Saturday night, but I cancelled. She spent the whole weekend melting down over one thing after the other. She's at Mum's tonight since there's no school tomorrow and I have placement. I'm dreading going back to placement, I get extremely anxious and start to panic every time I think about it.

So... life isn't very easy right now. Can't do much about anything that's going on, but I just needed to vent.

Ed Sheeran.... do I need to say more?

   Apparently I do need to say more, because I just can't help myself.
From the first time I heard "Lego House", I was hooked. I listened to a couple of his other songs, then decided I had to have the album. It was worth every cent.

    For those who have been living under a rock, Ed Sheeran is an awesome guy from England. He has spunky red hair, dresses like a regular guy, seems pretty down-to-earth, has many guitars, and an amazing voice. I think he's technically classed as a "folk" singer, whatever that means. I just know he's got amazing talent, and judging by his concert sales he's going to go very far.

     I hadn't heard his music before the 2012 concert had been long sold out.
Tickets for his March 5th 2013 went on sale at 9am this morning. They were sold out by 9.01am. I did everything humanly possible to get a ticket - I sat on the computer and refreshed the screen every time it loaded from 8:55am until 9:00am when my computer said the tickets were now for sale. I filled the stuff out as quick as possible, and... SOLD OUT.
Ed Sheeran took 1 minute to sell an entire concert out.

     I didn't realise until about an hour ago that at 9:15am this morning, a second concert was released for March 6th 2013. As soon as I realised, I was devastated. I figured the second concert would also be sold out and that I'd totally missed the boat.  I logged on just in case, and BAM! I had tickets!

Absolutely stoked that I got tickets. My sister Kim and I are going tosee him, and I can't wait! It's totally made my day. I was having a really crappy day, but it just got a whole lot better :)

FUCK YOU AUTISM... and shame on me too

    Tonight is just a really really shitty night.
The kids ran out of toothpaste last night, so I bought them some more today. I bought the same tube for Cooper as before, and bought Madd the next one up; the one for "big teeth".
     BIG MISTAKE.

Because Madd is so high-functioning, I take it for granted sometimes that she'll just adapt to things. So, without thinking, I assumed the new toothpaste would be fine. It wasn't.

She's been melting down for over an hour now. I told her that she didn't have to brush her teeth tonight, and she could wait til tomorrow night when I've had a chance to find the "right toothpaste".
I really don't want to write much about it, I'm exhausted after 2 hours of meltdown. But I ended up pinning her on my lap and putting Nick JR on the tv to calm her down. It worked, and about 10 minutes later she was calm enough to talk again.

Note to self (and to everyone else) - just because a child is "high functioning" autism, never assume that they don't have needs and issues. She still has issues, and sensory problems. It's not as cut and dry as it sounds - "High-functioning " or "Aspergers" doesn't mean that life is easy for her (or us), she just has different problems to others on the spectrum.

I Want to Write a Book about Aspergers

I really want to write a book on Aspergers Syndrome.
As someone who's finally got a provisional diagnosis for their child, I think I've just about heard it all....
"She can't have Aspergers. She doesn't toe-walk or flap, and she has eye contact"
"But she talks too well. She looks normal"
"Ohhh, so you finally got a "label" for her"
"Everyone's got a label these days, don't they"

I know people don't really know what to say, but it's not comforting to be told over and over that they don't "get it", and they don't understand because "she seems so normal". She's an amazing kid with a lot of social/emotional/behavioural problems that she hides extremely well. I've been told for a long time that she'll grow out of the "bad behaviour". She hasn't.

There's a good saying out there, one that's very well-known in the Asperger/Autism world.
"Once you've known a child with autism, you know one child with autism."

In other words, not all autistic kids are the same. Some flap, some don't. Some talk, some don't.
There were a lot of signs with Madd, that I saw but no one else did. I let everyone convince me that she was normal and she'd just "grow out of it". I should have listened to my inner voice that was screaming at me.

I want to write a book about being a parent to an aspie child, especially an aspie girl. Girls are very different to boys, and Aspiegirls are usually very different to Aspieboys. In this book, I also want to have a list of online/offline places that you should go to get help/support when you think your child has autism/aspergers, or after you get a diagnosis. There isn't really any one place to get all that information that's easy to find when you need it.

So.... that's my long-term plan. Hopefully I'll get somewhere with it.

Happy Birthday Cooper

     This time 2 years ago, I was in labour with Cooper. I wasn't progressing, and they were deciding whether or not I'd need to have an emergency c-section.  At 10:55pm, Cooper was born through an emergency c-section.
At 10:57pm, I got to see my son's face. They brought him over, but I was feeling very sick and dizzy. I remember saying to the anaesthetist "I don't want to see him. I'm starting to panic, you need to knock me out, you need to knock me out, now, now now, please." To which he rapidly complied.

I didn't know at the time, but at 10:56pm, I started dying.

    They kicked Ash and Cooper out of the operating room, and sent them back to my room in Maternity. Ash didn't get any news about me for 4 hours.

      Humans have 5 to 6 litres of blood. I lost 4.
I had a Class IV haemorrhage and hypovolemia. I nearly died.
      At 2:45am, I awoke feeling  very groggy. At around 3am, they told Ash that I was going to live.
At 4am, I was wheeled back to my room and I got to see Ash. I was drifting in and out with the morphine drip they had me on. I was in a lot of pain, and was pushing the button every 5 minutes (that was the minimum wait time). What they failed to tell me at the time was that morphine can cause an ileus (shut-down bowel).

    For the next couple of days, I was feeling pretty good. I had visitors, I got up and walked around, I even saw Coopman go under the lights (jaundice). 
Then it all fell apart.

    When my bowel shut down, it was the worst pain in the world. There's a lot more to it, but I'm not up to writing it all now. They sent Cooper home with my mum when he was a few days old, because they knew I'd be there for quite awhile. Ash needed to be at the hospital, because I couldn't make any decisions; I was too out of it. Madd got sent off to the inlaws.

     They said to me that the recovery was going to be at least 12 months. I laughed at the time, I didn't believe that it would be that long.

    24 months later, and I still have some recovering to do. Some bits and pieces of my body aren't quite back to normal yet, but they're getting there. I've come a hell of a long way in those 24 months. I had post-traumatic stress disorder, and was seeing a shrink and taking antidipressants. That helped a hell of a lot.

   These days I'm medication-free. I don't smoke. I rarely drink. I love both my kids. I have finally bonded with Madd. A few months ago, I got my memory back- for the first 18 months, I didn't remember any of the pregnancy, labour, or anything after that. I couldn't look back beyond a month. Now life is looking a lot better.

    So a big happy birthday to my baby boy Cooper... not such a baby any more. And congratulations to Ash, Madd Cooper and I for being a happy, healthy family. We very nearly weren't.

As much as I know it's Coop's big day today, it will also always be a reminder of how much I nearly lost, and how I should keep looking forward and enjoying life.