The email I sent last night to the school principal (all identifying details have been removed)
Hi *insert principal's name*,
I met with *insert substitute teacher's name* this afternoon, and was very disappointed in what she had to say.
I was really hopeful when she wrote in Madd's communication book
that she wanted to meet with me after school the next day, and have a
chat about Madd. Things did NOT go the way I wanted - I was hoping to
fill her in about Madd's issues, triggers and needs, but instead I got
told that she'd been defiant all day, and that it was a normal reaction
for a kid with a substitute teacher and NOT at all related to her Aspergers.
She
then went on to say that she kept Madd in at lunchtime because of
her behaviour. I was so stunned with everything she said that I
didn't say anything in response, she then had to hurry off to a staff
meeting. Now that I've had a chance to process it, I'm writing to you.
The way I explained Madd's Aspergers and ADHD to Madd is by saying that there's something in her that makes her have trouble with sitting still sometimes, and trouble understanding people and making friends and playing like most kids. I also explained to her that she needs to learn how to sit still and listen and play with others nicely, and that we'd all help her to learn how to.
When Madd tried explaining that to the teacher after being told she was being "defiant" (she was reacting to social problems with a friend at playtime and hadn't told the teacher - she may not have even realised that she should say that she was still stressing about it), the teacher said to her that she was wrong, and that there's nothing going on in her head and that she needs to make better choices.I know my kid needs to learn how to "behave", but her behaviour was a reaction to her being stressed at playtime. Her behaviour was her way of saying "I'm stressed about something and I need you to pry it out of me".
THE TEACHER also said that Madd's behaviour was "not Aspergers behaviour", it was just her behaviour. It's comments like this that are really frustrating to a parent whose child needs extra understanding. I won't excuse bad behaviour if it is indeed that (such as a tantrum demanding ice cream or a playdate or something), but Madd's behaviour was her reaction to stress - and while she needs to learn to handle it, it's a slow process of teaching her other ways to cope. Telling me that it's not related to her Aspergers is a very closed-minded and uneducated comment. Everything Madd does is related to her Aspergers, it's a part of who she is and how she thinks and feels.
It's very easy to dismiss Madd's behaviour as being "bad" or "defiant". Unfortunately, it's not always that cut-and-dry, particularly with Madd. She's shown marked improvement since we implemented some strategies that usually work with Aspie kids. I didn't want to wait the extra 3 months for the formal diagnosis before implementing strategies that may help both her and her teacher/s. I know that until we get the formal diagnosis, there's only much the school can do - but understanding attitudes and trying different ways of handling her can make a huge difference!
However, this is made incredibly difficult when Madd is being punished for things that are beyond her control. She needs patience and understanding, not punishment.
I've attached a document for your perusal, to be handed out to staff if you believe it would be helpful. I believe it would be incredibly helpful. Like I said, it's easy to dismiss Madd's behaviour as bad or defiant, but there really is more to it.
Sorry about the massively long email, but I'm better at explaining myself in email rather than in person. Plus she's in afterschool care for the next 2 days.
Thanks,
Jenna
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